I know you guys are used to my spicy posts about sex and debauchery, and believe you me, I hope and pray that I can get back to those soon enough. Right now though, I feel like I just need to write about the situation I’m facing, because I feel like until I just put it all out there, I won’t get past it.

It’s been just over a month since I split from my (old) Daddy. I didn’t really fill you in on what was going on before, because it wasn’t necessarily relevant to my blog, nor did I want to share such personal information- especially as it was an obstacle I thought we would eventually overcome. BUT, since we didn’t, I have no problem sharing it now, because I need to do so to heal. This man that I was with, for nearly 5 years, who I gave my heart and soul to, who my children called Dad…this man was married. Granted, he was separated, from the time we got together (supposedly, but now, who knows??) but he wasn’t actually divorced. Now, when we first started dating, I thought it was no big deal. This was because I was also married, and hadn’t even separated from my D-Bag ex-husband until about a month after we started seeing each other. However, that changed. I’ve been legally single since 2015, and he kept dragging his feet.

I LITERALLY begged him over and over. I moved to the midwest, from the beautiful beach side town I lived in, and LOVED, on the promise he made me that he would finally file, before my birthday. He didn’t. He promised me again, and then didn’t deliver. I called it quits after that, and asked him to help me move back to said beautiful beach side town- he refused. We eventually patched things up, and he swore again he would do it. I made him take me to the consultation with the lawyer…a lot of good it did me.

So we’re all patched up, things are moving along great, and we’re even picking out engagement rings. It’s all sorted, I think, which is great, because he’s set to move down south for his new job, and I tell him I won’t move again for him without being married, given how he’s fucked me over once or twice in the past. The divorce also has to happen in the specified time frame, because I’ve applied for graduate school where he’s moving, and in order to meet the time lapse from divorce to re-marriage, it has to happen when he said it would. So the court date is supposed to happen on February 22nd, and THE DAY BEFORE, he texts me, while I am at work and unable to process anything heavy, that there is ‘a problem with the divorce date.’ As you can imagine, I lost my shit. I was crying at work (how unprofessional) and engaging  in a text argument of colossal proportions. I was pissed, and hurt, and wanted answers. But answers was not what I got. Instead, I got victim blamed. “This is such a shock to me too! I can’t believe that you’ve turned on me like this…I can’t even talk to you, I’m turning my phone off because I can’t believe how YOU are reacting.” I tried SEVERAL times to get him to tell me what happened, but he would not. Finally, I said “I’m done” via text, then immediately felt bad, because we said we would not end things via text. So I called. And he sent it to voicemail. That was the final straw: I blocked him. He continued to try and call and text, and when those didn’t go through he started e-mailing me. Here’s the thing. NONE of these e-mails contained anything that even sounded like ‘I’m sorry.’ Not a fucking thing about ‘I know I’ve lied to you repeatedly, and I said it would be different this time, and it wasn’t…that must be disappointing for you.’ Not ‘Hey, I know this is devastating, but it’s out of my control, and here’s the e-mail from the lawyer that proves it.’ Not ‘Hey, I know this is primarily my fault, because I could have filed for divorce literally years ago, but I didn’t, and now this hot mess happened.’ Not ‘Hey, I realized you hung your hopes on grad school here, and now I may have not only fucked up our relationship, but also your higher learning opportunities.’ NO. Nothing like that. Instead I get e-mails like this one:

“Our relationship had 5 years of mutual love, marriage plans, adoption plans, and forever plans…yet it gets the same treatment as the guy who pointed a gun at you, drove DUI with your daughter, cheated on you, and wasted your money???”

AND

“Don’t you find it a little bit hypocritical that just last weekend (one of our best ever) you implored me not to lose faith with you in your battle with alcohol. I have always supported you and agreed to continue. Then just a couple of days later you turn on me and lose faith in us…just doesn’t make sense. I love you and miss you and hope to hear from you soon”

and then the last one he sent…this one really fucking gets me:

“I’ve tried to contact you for over 3 weeks. You refuse to talk. I am very disappointed that you didn’t care enough to find out what caused the delay and how easy it would have been to fix. I almost wonder if this is what you really wanted.”

Here’s why that chaps my ass: FIRST OF ALL, I gave him plenty of damn time to tell me what happened, he just chose not to….I scrolled through our text feed to make sure of it. SECOND OF ALL, how easy it would have been to fix it? What the actual fuck? I mean, if he were set on marriage and adoption and all these things he claims, wouldn’t he actually follow through with said divorce, and then come at me like “Bae, my bad, but shit’s legit now, let’s roll”…..

Beginning to wonder if this is what I really wanted?!?!?! I stayed with this narcissistic fucker for 5 years, making myself believe his lies, because ALL I ever wanted was to be a WHOLE family. My two ex-husbands walked out and abandoned their children, and this douche bag is NO BETTER.

He manipulated me, and lied to me, and he hurt me. And it sucks, because even though I’m trying to do all the right things, HE IS STILL FUCKING HERE. He’s here every time someone says “I guess” and I say “so far”. He’s here every time we get in the car, and say “Go flight!” for our seatbelt check. He’s here every time my youngest asks where her Dad is. AND GOD, I JUST FUCKING HATE IT!!!! I hate him. I hate that I loved him. I hate that I fell for his lies, over, and over and OVER.

So that’s why I’m writing. I NEED to get this out. For the month that he’s been gone, I’ve been sick. Not just mentally, but physically. I have had a wicked sinus infection for a month…and I truly feel like it’s my body holding on to all the negativity and chaos he created in my life, and my family’s life.

We used to joke that my two exes were ‘The D’s” D1, and D2, for Douche 1 and Douche 2. Well, guess who’s D3?

He’s no better. Yes, my last ex lied, and said that he would quit drugs over and over and cheated on me. But this cat lied to me over and over saying he would get a divorce, and didn’t…and just because I never caught him cheating (or sleeping with his wife,) that doesn’t mean he wasn’t.

I’m trying not to be bitter, and livid. I’m trying to do yoga, I’m not drinking, and I’m trying to be productive. I AM DOING ALL THE THINGS. So why do I still feel like this?

I kick ass at work, and people love me. That’s not a haughty statement, they truly do…and I love them back. I do meaningful work, and I’m grateful for it.

My children are happier…I can tell. Since Mom’s not embroiled in an every-other-day argument, they are more relaxed. They giggle and play, ALL THE TIME. They don’t really even give a shit when ‘Dad’s’ coming back, because he was never really here all that much to begin with.

I think mostly I feel bad, because he’s such a worthless bag of dicks, that he’s probably going to do this to another young, naive, unassuming girl, who mistakes his control for stability, and his money as kindness, and not the leash it really is. And this makes me sad.

I am going to overcome this. I know that.

I’ve already met someone new, and he’s awesome. Yeah, he’s got his flaws, but don’t we all? You know one thing he’s got that D3 never had? HONESTY. And that’s HUGE. Regardless of where my journey takes me, I will never EVER tolerate being in a relationship where I am lied to again. Period.

In fact, (new) Daddy and I are planning a trip at the end of the month so I can come see his place in the mountains….we are planning lots of fun and kinky things…so I plan for my next blog to be about that, and enough of this sad sack, can’t move on because he hurt me too bad BULLSHIT.

I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN WITH GPS, GOD DAMN IT! I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to, and right now, I am setting my mind on putting YOU out of it!

In short, Bye Felicia.

Thank you so much for letting me ramble, and rant. I love that I have this safe space. More (kinky) fun blogs to come shortly. Until then, my loves….

 

PS: FUCK YOU D3, and 20 more that smell like you!